you will always have me around

I am so furious with you.  And I miss you all the time.  Everywhere I go, something reminds me of you and I can't forget all the things we did together.  I am so mad at you.  I'm so mad that you can't man up and handle this like an adult.  That I asked you to meet with me and you won't.  That you avoid me.  That I have to see you every day at work.  That i can't get away from this sadness.   That I can't get you out of my mind or my heart.  There are a million reasons why I know you and I won't work.  But I still miss you every day.  Every god damn day.  My heart still breaks every day and I still cry every day and I still wish we could go back to what we were. EVERY. DAY.  I am so mad that it feels like there is a hole in my life and I don't know what to do without you.  Why don't I know what to do without you?  Why can't I just accept that you and I are not meant to be and close that chapter of my life.  Why do you matter so much?  Why did you walk away from me?  Why can't you be what I need you to be?  If i could say anything i wanted to in the world, it would be, Fuck you.  Fuck you for disappointing me.  Fuck you for leaving me.  Fuck you for making me feel like I did something wrong, that I am not good enough.  Fuck you for being such a goddamn loser.  Fuck you for pretending to love me and then leaving me when I needed you.  I just keep telling myself, it will get better.  It isn't.  I am not better.  I might have days where I am ok, and then wham, something comes up that makes me think of you.  I am a wreck and I'm not able to recover and all I want to do is recover.  I feel like I'm never going to find another person who loves me.  It was so easy with us, in the beginning, and I'm never going to find anyone who cares about me.  Or laughs at my jokes.  Or thinks i'm pretty.  or wants to spend time with me.  I still love you and i don't want to.  I want to forget that you ever mattered.  I want to be ok without you.  Or maybe I don't...maybe that's still the problem.  Maybe my heart is beating my brains today.  Hopefully tomorrow my brains win. 

its times like these

that you either learn to live again or you give up. 

wreck of the day

this is turning into a train wreck.  or maybe it's me that is turning into the train wreck. 

ftw

There is so much noise in my head from everyone about what I should do and how I should feel, that I can't figure out how I feel about anything.  Voices coming at me from all walks of life, telling me you are a loser, that I need to respect myself, that I am better off without you.  Everyone feels like they can comment on my life and give me advice.  I am so sick of it.  I don't care about how anyone else feels anymore.  I only care about how I feel and about how you feel.  And I feel confused, still.  And I have no idea how you really feel.  Still.

It's like hot and cold, give a little take a lot.  If you would just fucking call me, or talk to me, or look in my direction, I might be able to glean something from you that would point me in the correct direction.  Your text messages are doing me absolutely no good.  Grow a pair of balls and call me, for christsakes.  Let me move forward, alone or with you, but just let me move on.  I appreciate the knowledge that you are miserable.  That made my day.  And that you're sorry...that was good too.  OHhhhhhh and you miss me?  What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?  If you are miserable and you're sorry and you miss me, why can't you give me something that I want? 

God, if I even breathe that I miss you to anyone, it's a travesty.  Like I can't miss my best friend.  Like I can't miss the person who I texted and talked to a hundred times a day.  I'm just supposed to be ok with you leaving me alone.  And god forbid I indicate that I might be able to forgive you.  That, oh my goodness, is probably unthinkable to most people.  Well guess what, MOST PEOPLE???!?!?!?  I forgive him!  I do.  I know him more than most people, and I understand him more than anyone, and I understand!  So fuck off and let me live my life.  You don't have to live with the repercussions of my decisions.  You don't have to try to be ok without the one person who matters most.  No, you have your person in your life who will hold your hand and cuddle you and kiss you and spend time with you.  I don't.  And I am not ok!  I want to tell the world to fuck off.  Let me be me, and support me, but don't judge me or tell me what I should do.  Ok? 

It's so fucking hard.  I'm so confused all the time.  I don't know which end is up and I can't figure out how I feel.  There are eight million cliches running through my head, one positive for every negative.  I am not crazy, but I understand people who are.  And i have a desperate need for a punching bag.