Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
wreck of the day
this is turning into a train wreck. or maybe it's me that is turning into the train wreck.
Monday, September 12, 2011
ftw
There is so much noise in my head from everyone about what I should do and how I should feel, that I can't figure out how I feel about anything. Voices coming at me from all walks of life, telling me you are a loser, that I need to respect myself, that I am better off without you. Everyone feels like they can comment on my life and give me advice. I am so sick of it. I don't care about how anyone else feels anymore. I only care about how I feel and about how you feel. And I feel confused, still. And I have no idea how you really feel. Still.
It's like hot and cold, give a little take a lot. If you would just fucking call me, or talk to me, or look in my direction, I might be able to glean something from you that would point me in the correct direction. Your text messages are doing me absolutely no good. Grow a pair of balls and call me, for christsakes. Let me move forward, alone or with you, but just let me move on. I appreciate the knowledge that you are miserable. That made my day. And that you're sorry...that was good too. OHhhhhhh and you miss me? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? If you are miserable and you're sorry and you miss me, why can't you give me something that I want?
God, if I even breathe that I miss you to anyone, it's a travesty. Like I can't miss my best friend. Like I can't miss the person who I texted and talked to a hundred times a day. I'm just supposed to be ok with you leaving me alone. And god forbid I indicate that I might be able to forgive you. That, oh my goodness, is probably unthinkable to most people. Well guess what, MOST PEOPLE???!?!?!? I forgive him! I do. I know him more than most people, and I understand him more than anyone, and I understand! So fuck off and let me live my life. You don't have to live with the repercussions of my decisions. You don't have to try to be ok without the one person who matters most. No, you have your person in your life who will hold your hand and cuddle you and kiss you and spend time with you. I don't. And I am not ok! I want to tell the world to fuck off. Let me be me, and support me, but don't judge me or tell me what I should do. Ok?
It's so fucking hard. I'm so confused all the time. I don't know which end is up and I can't figure out how I feel. There are eight million cliches running through my head, one positive for every negative. I am not crazy, but I understand people who are. And i have a desperate need for a punching bag.
It's like hot and cold, give a little take a lot. If you would just fucking call me, or talk to me, or look in my direction, I might be able to glean something from you that would point me in the correct direction. Your text messages are doing me absolutely no good. Grow a pair of balls and call me, for christsakes. Let me move forward, alone or with you, but just let me move on. I appreciate the knowledge that you are miserable. That made my day. And that you're sorry...that was good too. OHhhhhhh and you miss me? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? If you are miserable and you're sorry and you miss me, why can't you give me something that I want?
God, if I even breathe that I miss you to anyone, it's a travesty. Like I can't miss my best friend. Like I can't miss the person who I texted and talked to a hundred times a day. I'm just supposed to be ok with you leaving me alone. And god forbid I indicate that I might be able to forgive you. That, oh my goodness, is probably unthinkable to most people. Well guess what, MOST PEOPLE???!?!?!? I forgive him! I do. I know him more than most people, and I understand him more than anyone, and I understand! So fuck off and let me live my life. You don't have to live with the repercussions of my decisions. You don't have to try to be ok without the one person who matters most. No, you have your person in your life who will hold your hand and cuddle you and kiss you and spend time with you. I don't. And I am not ok! I want to tell the world to fuck off. Let me be me, and support me, but don't judge me or tell me what I should do. Ok?
It's so fucking hard. I'm so confused all the time. I don't know which end is up and I can't figure out how I feel. There are eight million cliches running through my head, one positive for every negative. I am not crazy, but I understand people who are. And i have a desperate need for a punching bag.
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