you will always have me around

I am so furious with you.  And I miss you all the time.  Everywhere I go, something reminds me of you and I can't forget all the things we did together.  I am so mad at you.  I'm so mad that you can't man up and handle this like an adult.  That I asked you to meet with me and you won't.  That you avoid me.  That I have to see you every day at work.  That i can't get away from this sadness.   That I can't get you out of my mind or my heart.  There are a million reasons why I know you and I won't work.  But I still miss you every day.  Every god damn day.  My heart still breaks every day and I still cry every day and I still wish we could go back to what we were. EVERY. DAY.  I am so mad that it feels like there is a hole in my life and I don't know what to do without you.  Why don't I know what to do without you?  Why can't I just accept that you and I are not meant to be and close that chapter of my life.  Why do you matter so much?  Why did you walk away from me?  Why can't you be what I need you to be?  If i could say anything i wanted to in the world, it would be, Fuck you.  Fuck you for disappointing me.  Fuck you for leaving me.  Fuck you for making me feel like I did something wrong, that I am not good enough.  Fuck you for being such a goddamn loser.  Fuck you for pretending to love me and then leaving me when I needed you.  I just keep telling myself, it will get better.  It isn't.  I am not better.  I might have days where I am ok, and then wham, something comes up that makes me think of you.  I am a wreck and I'm not able to recover and all I want to do is recover.  I feel like I'm never going to find another person who loves me.  It was so easy with us, in the beginning, and I'm never going to find anyone who cares about me.  Or laughs at my jokes.  Or thinks i'm pretty.  or wants to spend time with me.  I still love you and i don't want to.  I want to forget that you ever mattered.  I want to be ok without you.  Or maybe I don't...maybe that's still the problem.  Maybe my heart is beating my brains today.  Hopefully tomorrow my brains win.